Hunkering down for Impact. 

I have had varied opinions on sudocrem. It’s too thick, to thin, leaves a greasy residue and can be previously witnessed carrying around a recently solicited female for a personal ornament. Or is that a holiday hunkahunka. Wahey etc. I’ve been told that it’s OK, I’ve bought some, but my London mother, let’s call her Marylou for anonymity, slates it heavily. Too waxy and never sinks in. Drapolene is apparently the one. Mumsnet concurs. It sounds like what a barber would soak combs and scissors in, or a prohibition period tincture. I’ll give it a go. She has birthed three, so that beats most of the parents I have easy access to during work hours. I’m not getting into parent chat with everyday people; it just provokes them to pull this very odd face. A third grimace, a third insane smile, a third plus remainder eyes trying to look through your skull. While nodding, while head quivering. Like when you say confidently “emparedado de jamón y queso por favor”, and the actual foreigner casually says, “para llevar?” stripping you of everything you have to offer the world in two words you don’t understand. All you have is this smiley head quiver. Did I mention I could ask for a ham and cheese sandwich in Spanish? There was no Spanish at the Marlborough. To be honest there was very little enlightenment at the Marlborough. No choice, just dark German and dampened aspirations.

Having mentioned the face pullers I feel I should mention that I have begun to adopt the same queasy quiver grin when people ask me if I’m ready to be a dad. Yes I am. I must be. I’ve “Forgotten about lie ins and sleep”, “given up on having a life”, I’m prepared for the “nappies and ESS HAYCH EYE TEE everywhere”, I know I will “loose all sense of dignity”, I’ve kissed goodbye to “peace and quiet”. How can I not be ready? I’m trying to act in a normal way for someone about to have their first child. I am scared, I felt faint when a whimper wafted across from ‘the other half’ followed by a muffled “My boot has broke.” I heard “water”. I felt sick. I want him to arrive now though. I do find it quite difficult to deal with the little gems of wisdom others feel the compulsion to bestow on me. People who have had children, people who have siblings that have had children, people that have friends that have had children, people who have the basic understanding of how they started life. I have rarely requested information. I don’t want it if I haven’t. I would like to see how I feel about it all if I’m truly honest. Like not knowing the ending to a great film, any of the Jurassic Park franchise for example. But I have learned people can’t help themselves. They love it. Maybe they are trying to help. Their lives have been so horribly affected by parenthood that they wished someone had been there at the inception, raining down negative wisdom. Infinite wisdom that leaves little wind in my sails. I want things to be new and untainted.

You are experiencing so many fresh products. New and exciting. There is an excellent Izzard sketch based around Buddha and Sid Arthur’s veg stall. He got down to the bones of it, right down. Total Buddhists, meanings, how that some of the cast is also in Christianity, a bit like amazon originals. But I want to hear your take on it, your feelings about it. Bin there done that, did that classic travel route, in reverse, have you eaten the fragrant Snek pie yet? You should, I did, five times mate. It’s probably more legitimate to gently suggest to these commenters that they should refrain from spoiling things for you. Not so easy from the side of the table with the empty glass. People should try and live consciously, and think about their thoughts and actions more I guess. Or maybe I shouldn’t be so angry about life and accept that other people, who have collected more wisdom, may be super wise about a subject I have yet to learn.


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